Bizarro

I read an article the other day about this group of friends debating which side of the world, East or West, was more bizarre. If we were to compare countries however, I think Malaysia would easily win the Most Bizarre Country award. Yet another tropy for Malaysia's Guinness World Records shelf. I mean we already have the award for the first space participant, tallest twin towers, longest teh tarik pouring, most number of kite flying and probably biggest pancake or something equally silly, so what's another Record?

Here, in no particular order, are the top five reasons why Malaysia should win the Most Bizarre Country award. 

1. Malaysian Bigfoot

The Himalayas have their yetis, Scotland has the Loch Ness monster and the Americans keep claiming they have found the mysterious Bigfoot. But Malaysians know that the real bigfoot is right here in Malaysia, Johor to be exact. In fact, the government has even launched an official enquiry into the issue. Evidence of the elusive bigfoot has been hard to find, however, even though the Malaysian Nature Society has been throwing their resources into finding this mythical beast in hopes of promoting eco-tourism. 

2. Teapot religion

L. Ron Hubbard may have come up with Scientology, the "religion" that purports that man is a "Thetan" or immortal spiritual being that is trapped on earth in human form and subject to a series of mental implants to keep him manageable, but Malaysia has it's very own Ariffin Mohamad, better known as "Ayah Pin" or the creator of the giant teapot religion. 

Ayah Pin's Sky Kingdom, established in Terengganu, consisted of a large yellow umbrella, a representation of Noah's Ark, and a two-storey high concrete teapot, which symbolised the purity of water. Founded in 1975, Ayah Pin claimed that he was a reincarnation of the gods of Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity and Islam. He managed to amass thousands of followers from as far as America and Australia before the authorities got fed up of what they termed as his deviant teachings and razed the whole shebang to the ground in 2005. 

3. Jeweled toes

So what if other countries can get tears from a statue? Malaysia has Siti Suhana Saadon, who can produce colourful crystals from her toes. Apparently her toe nails obligingly open up to spit out these stones before sealing themselves back up. I wonder how much these stones are worth? And maybe she can diversify by spitting them out of her fingertips too, then she'd have enough of the things to start a handicraft shop perhaps!

4. Four eyed meetings

In the recent heated political climate, our PM and DPM seem to be having a lot of these meetings to discuss the fate of the nation. E.g.

Friday, 9/26 in The Star: 

The (supreme council) meeting took place between 1am and 3am on Tuesday. That same evening, Abdullah and Najib had a four-eyed meeting.

Tuesday, 9/16 in The Star:

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi had a four-eyed meeting with his deputy Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak for more than four hours to discuss the country's present political situation, including the Umno transition plan.

Presumably it means they're having a private meeting (2 people = 4 eyes), but who knows? In this nation, anything goes.

5. Alternative treatments

Last but not least in my case for Malaysa Most Bizarre is the latest fad in alternative treatment - beating it out of you. Whatever it is you want to be treated for, be it asthma and liver problems or you just want to quit smoking, the Al-Arqam group has the answer. Malaysian couple Mohamed Ibrahim Kader Mydin and Rosina Mydin Pillay were recently bludgeoned to death with helmets and broomsticks by their family members after their nephew, an Al-Arqam member, convinced them that this "ritual cleansing" was the solution to all their problems. Admittedly the treatment doesn't seem to have a high survival rate, but hey, it's certainly effective - at least the guy isn't smoking anymore, right?

Reverse culture shock

I've heard lots of stories about the infamous reverse culture shock where Malaysians with some overseas work experience come home to find that things are done so mind-bogglingly differently that it just leaves you flabbergasted. And I don't mean different in a good way. Duly warned, I headed off into the uncharted territories of the Malaysian job search. I just didn't expect to bump into the first landmines so early in the process.

Landmine #1: The application form

This was completely uncharted territory for me, having never filled out an application form when I was looking for a job in the US. There, the procedure (in my experience anyway) consisted of sending out resumes and cover letters, and if the employer likes you enough, they would call you for an interview. The only form I ever filled out was when I actually got a job and had to fill out a stack of forms a foot high for everything from background checks to a corporate credit card.

Back in Malaysia, however, I find that HR just loves their application forms. While most companies ask you to fill out a form - usually about four pages - when you show up to the offices for the first interview, some companies make you fill out the form before they even decide whether they want to grant you an interview. And I'm not just griping because I hate writing anything by hand. No, these application forms include an incredibly intrusive bunch of questions that are shockingly rude to me. A space for a passport-sized photograph to be attached to the upper right corner of the form is a given. Questions about race, sex, religion, marital status and the names, occupations and contact details of your immediate family members are also standard. Even details about my scholarship amount was not safe. The most shocking form I've come across so far was one for a local investment bank that likes to think they are top of the class - they asked me for my height, weight, eyesight and hearing! And this was for a BANK, not some modelling agency. I might even understand the question if it was for a flight stewardess or something, but even then that would stink of discrimination. In this case, I totally fail to see the relevance of the question and how it would predict my future performance. Seems like discrimination is alive and kicking here at home.

Landmine #2: The interview process

My interviews here have been pretty smooth and definitely professional so far. Nothing completely out of whack. That is until I showed up at that local investment bank. I was a few minutes early, as one should be for these things, and looking all professional in my suit and black leather folder as I was taught to be. The nice receptionist put me in a room with a four-page form, an essay question that I had to answer in 150 words or less, and a personality assessment and told me I had one hour to complete all the paperwork. Fair enough. My first hint that this was a totally unprofessional firm, at least when it comes to the hiring process, should have come from the fact that I was put into a computer lab with writing from the previous lesson that was held there still on the board. But me being a forgiving soul, I didn't think too much of it. Until, of course, I hit the height, weight, eyesight and hearing part of the form. That definitely raised my hackles and even though I filled it out initially, I later blacked out my answers and was planning to tell the interviewer that the form was completely unprofessional. 

In any case, I finished the paperwork in half an hour, and went back to the receptionist who told me to take a seat. So there I was, already thinking that they were unprofessional and that they had really poor time management skills. Alotting one hour for that measely bit of paperwork was being waay too generous and it doesn't say too much about the quality of their candidates if that's the average amount of time needed. Nevertheless, I resigned myself to waiting for at least half an hour for the interviewer to show up. Half an hour later, a woman did show up, but she was talking really loudly into her cell, asking someone if she could work for another company before the end of her contract with her current company. Turns out she was the interviewer, who sweetly told me that I would have to wait for another candidate that had arrived before me to finish her interview. When I asked her how long I'd have to wait, she said "oh, about five minutes," but when I asked her how long the interview would take, she told me a little less than an hour.

I waited for ten minutes, thinking that maybe someone else would be interviewing me. Then I asked the receptionist to call HR, who informed me sweetly that "you just have to wait, my dear." At that point, it was 6pm on a Friday, and I'd been waiting for nearly an hour since I'd finished the form. Earlier, HR had told me that I'd be done by 6.30pm. Not freaking likely if I had to wait for the other candidate to be interviewed, and she was only 10 minutes into a one-hour interview. By then I was fuming, both because of the application form and HR's sheer disrespect for their candidates. Sure, they may be a prestigious local bank with talent begging to enter their hallowed halls, but seriously, if you want to attract and retain top talent, talent that you have already screened and think have the potential to join your firm, you DO NOT TREAT THEM LIKE THEY ARE MUD CLINGING TO YOUR SHOE THAT YOU CAN'T WIPE OFF. I was dying to tell the HR lady that "No, MY DEAR, I do NOT have to wait. I'm leaving." But it's never wise to burn bridges. Sigh.

Instead I called for a ride home, and when my ride arrived, I politely told the receptionist that I could not stay any longer, and asked her to inform the interviewer that I was withdrawing from the process. There is no way I could fit into such an unprofessional organisation with poor time management skills and no respect for their candidates anyway. 

Still, I'm hoping that HR will call me to ask why I'm withdrawing, in which case I will politely but firmly tell them exactly what went wrong. *rubs hands in anticipation*

Landmine #3: The offer

Having gone through the blatantly discriminatory application process and hopefully professional interview, the desired end goal is of course THE OFFER. But even in this celebratory stage, there are landmines to navigate. Little details like exploitative salaries and bullying tactics to get you to sign your soul over asap and to start immediately, no excuses accepted. God help the candidate that tells the firm that they want to take some time to think about the offer and consider other companies. Seriously, though, why would companies want to pressure someone into signing, only to have them leave two weeks down the line for a better company and a better offer? And I personally know someone who's done this. Isn't it better to simply agree to wait until the candidate is completely satisfied with your offer?

And then of course, there's Landmine #4: Working in Malaysia. But that's a whole different story, one that I haven't explored yet, but one that I'm sure will provide lots of fodder for incredulity. Stay tuned.

What else is there to do but laugh?

I dread waking up in the morning only to have the front page of the newspaper blare out its message of doom and gloom, both in financial markets around the world, and in the local political scene. It's hard, sometimes, to see the lighter side of things. But when the situation gets this bad, and is only going to get worse, what else is there to do but laugh?

Thanks to Tyng Yng and Ana for the pictures and video :)

The Last Laugh - George Parr - Subprime

It never rains...

... but it certainly storms cats and dogs and the odd whale here in Malaysia. 

I was in Sydney when they told me that the visa fell through, and there were no openings in the other global offices. (I still have to fight the urge to say "our" even though I've been looking at other companies for some time. Perhaps the first company is like a first love; they make such deep impressions that you can never really forget about them?) 

Anyway, I spent the whole of August spamming companies in Sydney with my resume, begging for a job. I'd like to think that they put me in the reject pile immediately because of my address and not because of a lack of skills. In any case, it was a humbling, enery-sapping experience. It wasn't long before I set my sights on Singapore, thinking that my chances of finding a job there would be higher, but still no luck. WhenI got desparate enough, I resigned myself to working at home in the land of long working hours and low pay. 

The first interview I went to was with a small boutique consulting firm. They offered me a job the same day but for a salary more than six times lower than my previous drawn pay. It is an indication of how desparate I was at the time that I even considered the offer. Only my parents' outrage at what they considered the firm's exploitation of their daughter made me turn it down. 

After that interview, I didn't hear back from anyone for about two weeks and I was getting very anxious, wondering if I'd made a mistake to turn my first offer down. What if it was my only offer? 

But then, as these things go, a friend introduced me to a friend who introduced me to Chen Chow, the most awesomely connected person I know. He passed my resume on to his friends and before I knew it, I'm getting calls from everywhere. I've since learned that if you go through the normal application process here in Malaysia, your resume will end up in some HR pile somewhere and your chances of getting someone that matters looking at your resume is slim to none. But if you pass it on to someone that matters, particularly someone who would like you working for them, then you get a call the next day. And it's THE SAME RESUME. So it's as much about WHO you know as WHAT you know. So much for meritocracy :(

That said, it's only an interview or four, and there are no guarantees that I will win my battle with my nerves and I might just flunk the case miserably anyway. But there's still a glimmer of hope. And the calls and my rapidly-filling callendar are definitely ego boosters. Thanks, Chen Chow, for all your help and support :) 

Now the challenge is to see 

• Whether I can convert these interviews into offers
  
• How long these companies are willing to wait for me to make my decision and, more importantly, 
• What I will do if the companies aren't willing to wait and I'm still chasing the whale. 

Thoughts?

Woe is me

I wander around the house aimlessly, eyes drifting vacantly as I search for something to occupy myself. Soon my hands start to shake. At these moments, I pet my dog, who is convinced that there is something hiding underneath the fridge. I switch the tv on, flick from channel to channel, and switch it off again. Then I start to wander again, inevitably ending up at the fridge, where I reach for yet another piece of chocolate or cake or pie.

Ok so I might be exaggerating but I am seriously starting to lose my mind. My access to the world has been cut off. My lifeline, my entertainment, my connection with friends and loved ones.

Need I spell it out?

MY INTERNET IS DOWN

Woe is me and beware the hapless technician who will come to tell me that they need another two business days to fix the problem. I know it's wrong to shoot the messenger, but I am beyond morals now.

Never get between a net addict and her internet, or else I will trample you like a hippo will someone who comes between it and water. You have been WARNED...