Robbers beware

There is a new top of the line, state of the art anti-break in system in Malaysia. Well, more correctly, it's the anti-break out system. It's like that Eagle's song Hotel California - you can checkout any time you like but you can never leave. 

Burglar who picked the 'wrong' house

KEMANAN: A burglar entered a house-turned-grocery shop, thinking he was in for a killing. He nearly got himself killed instead.

The owner, who was away to celebrate Hari Raya Haji returned home yesterday morning to find the burglar trapped in the house for 72 hours without food and water.

The intruder was fatigued and dehydrated when the owner and his wife returned to the shop in Kampung Binjai from their hometown in Kota Baru.

The couple, in their early 50s, found the burglar lying in a room, clasping his hands in an apologetic gesture for his wrongdoing.

The owner, instead of calling the police, decided to call an ambulance to rush the burglar to the nearest hospital.

When interrogated later, the 36-year-old burglar told investigating officers that he had sneaked into the house after realising the owner was out.

The burglar, who entered via the back door, claimed that he was blinded once he was inside and felt like he was in a cave.

“Each time I wanted to flee, I felt a ‘supernatural figure’ shoving me to the ground,’’ he told police.

He claimed this was his first time experiencing such trauma during a break-in.

The burglar had no choice but to stay put in the room for three days as his shouts for help were in vain.

Kemaman Deputy police chief Deputy Supt Abdul Marlik Hakim Johar said the couple lodged a police report on the same day.

He said the burglar was warded at the Kemaman Hospital and his condition is stable.

Call 1-800-GHOSTS now for your personalized, 100% guaranteed anti-robbery spook. 

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Bye bye, Baby Bush

Now that America has voted and Obama is due to take over the White House next January, it won't be long before we have to (thankfully) say goodbye to George W. Bush. I couldn't believe it when he first won the elections back in 2000, and then was even more flabbergasted when he won it again in 2004. Was America really so dumb as to revote for the guy who started two wars that he couldn't finish and was increasing America's debt to the world at the same rate as he was killing innocent young American soldiers? It's definitely time for a change, but I gotta say, the guy was good for some laughs at least. There are whole websites devoted to this clown of a president but here are ten of my favourite Bushisms from 2007 and 2008:

The misunderestimated me.

"Amigo! Amigo!" - Bush calling out to Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi at the G-8 Summit in Japan

How can you possibly have an international agreement that's effective unless countries like China and India are not full participants?

So long as I'm president, my measure of success is victory - and success.

I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it.

All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone.

You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket - in this case, a woman more money in her pocket to expand a business, it - they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded it prevented additional opportunities for people to work.

All of us in American want there to be fairness when it comes to justice.

"I'm going to try to see if I can remember as much to make it sound like I'm smart on the subject." - Bush on a possible flu pandemic

"I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that." - Bush on former British PM Tony Blair

One of my concerns is that the health care can not be as good as it possibly can be.

Alternative remedies

Welcome to Malaysia, home of alternative remedies. If you need help to quit smoking, simply call 1-800-QUIT-SMOKING, where the next available agent will assist you shortly in setting up a session where you will be hit by motorcycle helmets and sticks to beat the addiction out of you. The treatment is guaranteed to work, and feel free to sign over your life insurance policy to the agency while you're at it.

However, if you need help removing tattoos, the outcome cannot be guaranteed. Nevertheless, you should still call 1-800-REMOVE-TATTOOS, where you will be given the option of formic acid, special abrasive soap, an iron, or fire-heated metal. I personally recommend the formic acid, as it is the only one that will permanently remove tattoos. Please be warned that some flesh will be removed in the process, but if the bone shows, you should stop the treatment and consult the nearest doctor. If acid is not your cup of tea, hot metal, heated in a fire or an iron may be just the thing to burn it off, failing which you can try the abrasive soap that will shred your skin to bits. Who said tattoos were permanent?

Do you measure up?

There are a number of things that one should do in order to get a driving license: studying the road rules of the country and passing a written test and learning how to drive the vehicle and passing the practical test are two main concerns. After that, there are annoying details like getting your license renewed every so often and making sure you're up on current laws like compulsory seat belts for the back seat, and maybe getting a chest implant or two while you're at it. 

I read the most hilarious article today about Vietnam considering the implementation of a new law for motorcyclists where their chests must be larger than 28 inches and their weight and height must be above a certain number (and hopefully below too because an obese person on a bike can't be good for anyone). One of the funniest passages:

The average Vietnamese man is 5 feet, 4 inches (164 centimeters) tall and weighs 121 pounds (55 kilograms). The average Vietnamese woman is 5 feet, 1 inch (155 centimeters) tall and weighs 103 pounds (47 kilograms).

Statistics on average chest size were unavailable.

I predict a boom in padded bra sales and chest implants if this law passes. And beware the policemen gleefully patrolling the country with measuring tapes in hand. But what about the men whose manboobs aren't big enough? Will Vietnam be the first to patent the manbra? 

Bizarro

I read an article the other day about this group of friends debating which side of the world, East or West, was more bizarre. If we were to compare countries however, I think Malaysia would easily win the Most Bizarre Country award. Yet another tropy for Malaysia's Guinness World Records shelf. I mean we already have the award for the first space participant, tallest twin towers, longest teh tarik pouring, most number of kite flying and probably biggest pancake or something equally silly, so what's another Record?

Here, in no particular order, are the top five reasons why Malaysia should win the Most Bizarre Country award. 

1. Malaysian Bigfoot

The Himalayas have their yetis, Scotland has the Loch Ness monster and the Americans keep claiming they have found the mysterious Bigfoot. But Malaysians know that the real bigfoot is right here in Malaysia, Johor to be exact. In fact, the government has even launched an official enquiry into the issue. Evidence of the elusive bigfoot has been hard to find, however, even though the Malaysian Nature Society has been throwing their resources into finding this mythical beast in hopes of promoting eco-tourism. 

2. Teapot religion

L. Ron Hubbard may have come up with Scientology, the "religion" that purports that man is a "Thetan" or immortal spiritual being that is trapped on earth in human form and subject to a series of mental implants to keep him manageable, but Malaysia has it's very own Ariffin Mohamad, better known as "Ayah Pin" or the creator of the giant teapot religion. 

Ayah Pin's Sky Kingdom, established in Terengganu, consisted of a large yellow umbrella, a representation of Noah's Ark, and a two-storey high concrete teapot, which symbolised the purity of water. Founded in 1975, Ayah Pin claimed that he was a reincarnation of the gods of Buddhism, Hinduism, Christianity and Islam. He managed to amass thousands of followers from as far as America and Australia before the authorities got fed up of what they termed as his deviant teachings and razed the whole shebang to the ground in 2005. 

3. Jeweled toes

So what if other countries can get tears from a statue? Malaysia has Siti Suhana Saadon, who can produce colourful crystals from her toes. Apparently her toe nails obligingly open up to spit out these stones before sealing themselves back up. I wonder how much these stones are worth? And maybe she can diversify by spitting them out of her fingertips too, then she'd have enough of the things to start a handicraft shop perhaps!

4. Four eyed meetings

In the recent heated political climate, our PM and DPM seem to be having a lot of these meetings to discuss the fate of the nation. E.g.

Friday, 9/26 in The Star: 

The (supreme council) meeting took place between 1am and 3am on Tuesday. That same evening, Abdullah and Najib had a four-eyed meeting.

Tuesday, 9/16 in The Star:

Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi had a four-eyed meeting with his deputy Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak for more than four hours to discuss the country's present political situation, including the Umno transition plan.

Presumably it means they're having a private meeting (2 people = 4 eyes), but who knows? In this nation, anything goes.

5. Alternative treatments

Last but not least in my case for Malaysa Most Bizarre is the latest fad in alternative treatment - beating it out of you. Whatever it is you want to be treated for, be it asthma and liver problems or you just want to quit smoking, the Al-Arqam group has the answer. Malaysian couple Mohamed Ibrahim Kader Mydin and Rosina Mydin Pillay were recently bludgeoned to death with helmets and broomsticks by their family members after their nephew, an Al-Arqam member, convinced them that this "ritual cleansing" was the solution to all their problems. Admittedly the treatment doesn't seem to have a high survival rate, but hey, it's certainly effective - at least the guy isn't smoking anymore, right?

What else is there to do but laugh?

I dread waking up in the morning only to have the front page of the newspaper blare out its message of doom and gloom, both in financial markets around the world, and in the local political scene. It's hard, sometimes, to see the lighter side of things. But when the situation gets this bad, and is only going to get worse, what else is there to do but laugh?

Thanks to Tyng Yng and Ana for the pictures and video :)

The Last Laugh - George Parr - Subprime

Bar joke... or is it?

You know those lame bar jokes with animals in them? Like this one:

A centaur walks into a bar and sits next to an attractive woman.
"You look a lot different than most of the men who come here," said the woman to the centaur.
"I guess you could say that," the centaur replied. "I'm half-man, half-horse."
"Well, I wish my husband were more like you," said the woman. "He's a total jackass."

Well if you're a Tyneside local named Peggy, you might get the last laugh. Turns out Peggy, a 12-year-old horse, has been enjoying the occasional pint and packet of crisps along with her owner at the local pub. Until the landlady kicked her out, that is. Her reason? The horse might ruin her new carpets, although she's a lot cleaner than some of her other regulars! Poor Peggy can only watch through the window now.

One ticket to Sydney, please!

Sydney, land of the great Opera House and the Coat Hanger bridge. Or is it? Maybe you'll see a Big Ceilidh Fiddle instead.

Turns out some people wanting to visit the bustling Australian city have been visiting another Sydney instead. Like the Argentinian and two British would-be tourists who ended up in Sydney, Nova Scotia, Canada, where the only attraction is that fiddle. Pay attention, people! Cambridge, Mass, and Cambridge, UK are both college towns, but in very different places. And let me tell you, Melbourne, Arkansas, Melbourne, Florida, and Melbourne, Derbyshire, are very different from Melbourne, Australia. Ah, the perils of online flight bookings.

If you see a hobo polar bear, panic!

A bomb squad has been called in to take down a "hobo polar bear" that had commuters alarmed outside a train station in the US.

Passersby on the street first noticed the shabbily-dressed figure standing by a rubbish bin outside the Columbia Heights Metro station in Washington DC soon after daybreak, nbc4.com reports.

Huge crowds gathered to watch the scene while train services were halted before police gave the all-clear.

The local station was closed for almost two hours as the matter was investigated.

The bomb squad arrived hours later and tore the "bear" apart, revealing what appeared to be an elaborate costume and a great deal of stuffing.

Local bloggers immediately began circulating theories to explain its presence, with one believing the "bear" was most likely a Mark Jenkins art installation commenting on global warming.

Jenkins has left similar-looking street art in locations across the globe, ranging from man-horse hybrids to figures stuck upside down in rubbish bins.

"Did anyone see it move?" wrote blogger DCist.

Another theory was it was the same costume bear which had been seen around the US capital holding placards bemoaning climate change and other environmental issues.

Authorities are yet to give their own explanation for the incident.

Original article here.

Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all me driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought Car95, CarNT or a later model. But, then you would have to buy more seats.

7. The airbag system would ask, 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

9. Every time a new car was introduced, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

And my favourite:

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.


Unfortunately, this is a joke. How cool would it be if this for real? :P